Imagine a world where a certain larger-than-life figure—known for bold claims, U-turns, and a knack for tariffs—has his spirit zapped into the bodies of history’s greatest icons. This brash, deal-making soul, let’s call him “The Tycoon,” loves to rewrite the narrative, dodge accountability, and sprinkle a bit of chaos wherever he goes. So, buckle up for a hilarious ride as we explore what happens when The Tycoon’s (Trump’s) spirit hijacks Napoleon, Lincoln, Newton, and Columbus. Spoiler alert: it’s a wild mix of bravado, tariffs, and some very questionable decisions!

Napoleon: The War-Ender and Love-Seeker

Picture Napoleon Bonaparte, the pint-sized French general, strutting into the Battle of Waterloo. But wait—The Tycoon’s spirit now powers his body! Instead of charging into battle, he throws up his hands and declares, “This war? Total waste of time. I’m stopping it, folks. Nobody does peace like me!” He disbands the army, calls the soldiers “low-energy losers,” and claims he’s saved Europe single-handedly. Forget military strategy; The Tycoon-Napoleon is too busy flirting with the local maidens, boasting, “I’m the best at romance—nobody courts better than me!” By sundown, he’s tweeting (er, shouting from a balcony) that Waterloo was a “tremendous victory” because he avoided the fight altogether. “Nothing is impossible when you’re me!” he proclaims, as historians scratch their heads.

Abraham Lincoln: Fooling All the People, All the Time

Next, let’s drop The Tycoon’s soul into Abraham Lincoln, the honest President, with a knack for timeless quotes. Lincoln once said, “You can fool some people all the time, and all the people some time, but you cannot fool all people all the time.” But with The Tycoon in charge? Oh, that’s out the window. The Tycoon-Lincoln steps onto the Gettysburg stage and declares, “I can fool all the people all the time—nobody fools better than me, believe me!” He flips his stance on the Civil War daily, one day praising the Union, the next calling the Confederacy “great guys, just misunderstood.” His speeches are a whirlwind of contradictions, leaving audiences dizzy. Instead of the Emancipation Proclamation, he slaps a tariff on “divisive rhetoric” and claims he’s unified the nation by tweeting “Covfefe” from the White House. The crowd’s confused, but he insists, “Everyone loves me—highest approval ratings ever!”

Isaac Newton: Banning Apples and Gravity

Now, imagine Sir Isaac Newton, the genius behind gravity, possessed by the Tycoon’s spirit. An apple falls from a tree, and instead of pondering gravity, the Tycoon-Newton leaps up and yells, “This apple nonsense? Banned! I’m putting a 25% tariff on falling fruit!” He declares gravity a “hoax” invented by “low-IQ scientists” and vows to “make physics great again.” Forget the laws of motion; he’s rewriting them to include “The Law of Tremendous Deals.” His new scientific method? “Just say it’s true, and it’s true—nobody understands science better than me!” The Royal Society is baffled as he tries to sell them “premium anti-gravity real estate” on the moon. By the end, he’s convinced everyone that he invented the universe. “Before me, no one knew what an apple was!” he brags.

Christopher Columbus: Discoverer of… Everything?

Finally, let’s sail with Christopher Columbus, now inhabited by the Tycoon’s spirit. Columbus accidentally stumbled upon America, but the Tycoon-Columbus? He’s taking credit for everything. “I discovered the whole planet, folks—Earth, Mars, Jupiter, all the stars, all the galaxies. Tremendous discovery, the best!” He insists he saved the world from “a dead economy, like India’s,” and claims his voyage was “the greatest deal in history.” Instead of trading with the natives, he slaps tariffs on their goods and builds a “beautiful wall” around the Caribbean. When his crew mutters about getting lost, he snaps, “Lost? I know exactly where we are—nobody navigates better than me!” By the time he returns to Spain, he’s convinced the king and queen that he has discovered the multiverse. “Without me, you’d all be floating in space!” he boasts.

The Tycoon’s Legacy: Chaos and Confidence

What happens when the Tycoon’s spirit takes over these historical giants? Chaos, for one, but also a bizarre kind of charisma. War ends before it starts, science gets a tariff-laden makeover, and discoveries balloon into galactic proportions. Every move is a U-turn, every claim is “tremendous,” and every critic is a “loser.” The Tycoon’s soul thrives on rewriting history with a golden Sharpie, leaving a trail of confusion and laughter. Whether he’s dodging battles, fooling crowds, banning gravity, or claiming the cosmos, one thing’s clear: nobody does it quite like The Tycoon. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the secret to his influence—love him or hate him. But you can’t stop watching the show.