J S Chauhan 
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking turn of events, the American people have reportedly decided they want their President to win the Nobel Peace Prize, while the President has decided he wants to win Greenland.
Sources close to the sofa in the Oval Office confirm that millions of Americans are waving little white flags and shouting, “Sir, please take the Peace Prize, not Iran.” The people, in their innocence, still believe peace is prize-worthy.
The President, however, is fed up.
“Peace prize? Boring. Everybody gets participation trophies these days,” said a senior official who just resigned yesterday, along with 17 other officials who resigned the day before yesterday, and 23 more who are currently writing their resignation letters in the bathroom.
Insiders say the President looked at the shiny Nobel medal and said, “Too small. Not gold enough. And it doesn’t say TRUMP on it.”
So he has pivoted. From Peacemaker to King-Maker. And the king he wants to make is himself.
Psychologists are confused. One American uncle at a barbecue in Ohio has diagnosed the whole situation perfectly: “His mind is occupied by the soul of Hitler on alternate days. On the other days, it’s just real estate.”
The new royal plan is ambitious. Phase one: Rename everything.
The Strait of Hormuz? Too Persian. Now it shall be called the Strait of Trump. Similarly, Venezuela to Trump Venela and Trump Canada. Very wide, very tremendous, everybody will need permission to pass.
Greenland? Now to be called Trump Land Ice Edition. The country which was recently merged into America? Let’s call it New Trumpia. And America itself? Plans are underway to rebrand it as The United Trumps Empire, with a new flag that is just his face smiling on a gold background.
“We are making geography great again,” said a White House aide who asked to remain anonymous because he still wants his job tomorrow.
But the people of America are not laughing as much as they used to. Earlier they were disappointed; now they are furious. They wanted a Nobel Peace Prize. They got a coronation rehearsal.
“We gave you the White House, not a throne,” shouted voters in recent town halls. “If you don’t want the Peace Prize, we will give you a free ticket back to your business empire in the next election. With business class, one way.”
The message from Main Street is clear: We wanted you to be the President of Peace. You want to be the King of Everything With Your Name On It.
Elections are coming. The King is busy naming oceans. The people are busy sharpening their votes.
